If you’re talking tech with Americans, you may want to avoid using any jargon.
Where are we going now? Quite frankly, the possibility of another misadventure with you makes the alternative of watching Spongebob reruns far more palatable. So what if I don’t understand Tagalog; if I fall asleep with this shit on, I’ll talk like a native in no time.
What? You’re treating me to breakfast? Fine, but don’t expect me to be pleasant company. I am not a morning person. And will you please, please, tell your neighbors to muzzle their roosters? The winged rats woke me up just as I was about to fall asleep. Nocturnal beings deserve kindness, especially the hungover ones. This is harassment.
Who was your patron saint of sobriety again? I dedicate this can of San Miguel to him. Or her. I’m driving, by the way.
Don’t tell me we are going to walk out there. You can keep your vitamin D. No, I am not a gloomy asshole shut-in. I am a sleep-deprived shut-in with an idiot for a friend. There is a difference.
You’re the one who didn’t want me to drive. So what if I’m tipsy; driving in a straight line is easier than walking. You’re old enough to cross the street by yourself, you big baby. Use the pedestrian overpass. That way those fat brown crocodiles with their fake aviators and shit-eating smiles won’t swallow your wallet whole. I don’t have enough boobs to get us out of that kind of trouble. Maybe you do, but you’re worth more than that. Never mind. I… just insulted myself, didn’t I?
What do you mean nobody uses the overpass? That man just did. And that woman over there. No, I am not carrying you up or down the stairs. Treating me to breakfast does not make me your pack llama.
See that patch of pink slime sloshed all over the asphalt? That piece of rat is there to remind you that playing patintero with smoke-belching kings of the road has consequences. Possible death and dismemberment are one of them.
Will you stop trying to jaywalk? For the last time I said–
Holy shi- are you nuts? The jeep was inches from my face! Why are we still friends? I hate you! I hate you and I’m going back home! Take me back! I-I don’t remember the address. What do you mean you lost it? First day here and we’re already going to become involuntary kidney donors. I refuse to accept this fate. I don’t care if people are staring. Tell me to calm down one more time and I’ll make sure you–
Oh. Well. Yeah, I am hungry, now that you mention it. Screw breakfast, you owe me brunch. So where exactly are you taking me? If we’re going to have to cross the street again, I will personally make sure you end up as sundried street waffle. No? Good.
Why are we running? Yes, as long as I’m breathing hard, it’s considered a run. Is there a mob behind us, because I sure as heck don’t see one? Well, stop it, stop running! I almost stepped on that old lady’s hand back there! So what if I threw her a coin? I could have maimed her! Not everyone’s as jaded as you city slickers.
Oh, now you slow down. We could have overtaken that pair of lovebirds there. What a cheapo that guy is. They’re heading left, right into that sketchy fast food stand. I bet he won’t even buy her anything pricier than a soda. And we’re following them. Are we stalking them? Why are we sitting down?
This is it. This is the place I defied death to reach. You know what, fuck it. Hand me that burger before I bite your face.
Are you shitting me, this isn’t a burger! Where is the meat? All I see is ketchup, grease, and bread! There’s more protein in a Cesar salad than in this burger!
Fine. I’ll give it a try. Hm. It doesn’t taste so bad, I guess. Maybe ten of these and I’ll be fine. How much is this setting you back? Three dollars?
Make that five. We’ll be here a while. Do what the Romans do, isn’t that right? Hold on, is that man selling DVDs? Call him over for me.
Damn, these things aren’t even out on Netflix.
I guess this place ain’t so bad after all. Two words: Banana Ketchup. Fucking weird, tastes tangy, but makes everything sickeningly sweet. My kind of sauce.
No, I’m not talking about you. Psh. Narcissists.
Anonymous (via scatteredneedles)
But what if you aren’t your soulmate’s soulmate?